I feel better just writing that. Interesting.
Well, a lot of random embarrassing negativity follows so if you want to skip down to the positive note, please do.
Anyway, last night, the thought went through my head "she broke her heart", and not knowing who it referred to or where it came from, I cried and cried, and assumed I was the 'bad guy', and I keep thinking I've done something that estranged Adria that I can't seem to get right, even though she doesn't act that way. Then the thought came that "she's ruining him, he was going to be president", and the same thing, not knowing what the heck it was all about I was depressed and knew I was the bad guy. So this morning (can you call it morning when you only sleep two hours the first half, and two hours (broken) the last half?) I got up convinced I am the bad guy and no matter what anyone does to help I am going to ruin something no matter what I do, and maybe it would fix everything if I just die. { I also keep having this recurring thought that "she's going to get cancer and die" and I continually worry about who that is although I usually talk myself out of it and say it will be more like sleeping beauty and she'll (whoever she is) just sleep for a while not die.}
Don't worry, I don't literally have a death wish, I am just insane at the moment and hoping it is just baby blues or even postpartum depression. I can't leave the baby with Stephen when Jacob is crying because I am insane, but then when he finally sleeps I don't want to sleep anymore to the point I can't sleep, and strangely I feel guilty just thinking about sleeping right now. But really I feel better just saying so, and less sleepy and less emotional. I am a little worried about when Jacob wakes up though, and now I am crying again. I know what to expect with this postpartum stuff really, but it still floors me sometimes. Stephen keeps trying to get me to go see a movie with Adria and it is one I thought I wanted to see, but when it comes down to it I don't want to go anywhere. I can't win. Then another day I am up and out of the house shopping for baby stuff and groceries and it is a good happy day.
Sunday was really hard first thing in the morning, and I wanted to go to Mom's, then the rest of the day was really nice and I enjoyed staying home even, so when the kids wanted to go to Mom's I didn't feel like we needed to go anymore. Maybe today will be similar. Ammon is missing Grayson, though. He was really bored Sunday. Now that Mom and Dad have the pool, once it is up and running I thought it might be nice to live closer and take advantage of their back yard a lot because we can't afford gas to go there as often. I am tempted to do like a friend told me once, and pay credit cards with credit cards....but that would just keep the vicious circle going I know. I keep thinking there must be something I can do at home while he sleeps (I can work a computer and hold him at the same time if that is the only way he will sleep), but I have a hard time knowing what are legitimate businesses to try at home. Like some data entry or something. And a lot of them I looked at online require money for training or a web site or whatever. Where would I get that? I am way too afraid of using borrowed money because if it doesn't work out or isn't legitimate we will be even worse off. Also, I worry that we would just use what I make to justify more debt, although, perhaps it wouldn't be as bad if it were something I could do at home whenever I was able, rather than running on someone else's schedule, and stressing about leaving the kids or just not seeing the older ones much if I worked when Stephen was home - after school. Maybe I could sell (sale?) baby quilts. I have made two of my own design for gifts that were well received, and they sew up pretty fast. I don't know. Maybe there isn't a market for that anyway. We are thinking of trying to sell the boat and quad and trailer, but the chances seem slim because of gas prices....maybe that is just our excuse, although we really are ready to sell the boat I think.
Last night I told Tanner he couldn't go to lagoon with a friend for his birthday like we planned, and he was so sad, but not demanding or anything. He is such a sweetheart. Then this morning I decided we would just use a credit card anyway. We have got to stop that though, because we really can't afford more debt, you know.
Anyway, sorry, everyone has their financial woes - or if not, some other kind - so sorry for unloading.
On a positive note:
Our basement is coming along. Stephen got sheet rock up in Adria's room except for the closet and two walls and most of the ceiling in the family room in the basement. So that is exciting. Adria is out of school so that is cool. All of the children are doing really well in school and are healthy (but often looking tired too, I'm afraid), and have some good friends. We have power, hot water and beautiful roses and food, and the Internet to vent through.
Oh! And what fun, Landon has learned to ride a two wheeler! It is so cute to seem him ride on the tiny little bike. I have to tell you the story. Saturday Landon comes in and says "Mom, do you know about bikes?" And I look at him "What about them?", "DO YOU KNOW ABOUT BIKES?", "I know, I mean what about bikes?" , "Well I was riding my bike but I keep falling over, so do you know about bikes?", "Falling over? Oh, you mean you are trying to ride a two wheeler?" , "Yes. Can you teach me about bikes?" Ammon ended up teaching him. He's the one that taught Tanner too. Bryce is motivated now too, and he is persevering despite the fact Landon learned it faster. Here is a video. Sorry it is dark and grainy - cloudy day, one handed, and limited experience with my camera on this setting....
7 comments:
Don't you hate the feeling that you know your being illogical but it doesn't help, you cry anyways. I wish I knew how to help. If you ever need to vent on the internet I wouls be happy to "listen." I hate money, and the necessity of it.
Landon is a pretty funny guy. That's awesome that he learned to ride a bike. He looks pretty sweet on that little thing.
Just remember, I'm thinking of you (even if I am 1200 miles away).
Oh man, it sounds like you are trying to run on no sleep. I am so so sorry. In the first few days of being home with Molly people would kindly ask how I was doing and I would instantly go into this uncontrolable sobbing. She's been sleeping in two and three hour chunks now though, and in her own room, so I've been getting more sleep, which has made the hugest difference. I try to sleep during the day with her too, even though at first I don't like the idia, and that has totally helped. I feel almost "normal" again. Although, I haven't napped today, so tonight might be an adventure. I don't know how anyone has more than one child though, because how the heck do you nap when you have other little needies, and then how do you function at all?
By the way. I totally think the quilt idea is way cool. I have also been thinking of ways to work from home and have considered doing medical transcibing, but it does take money to take the 4 month course. And then who knows if it would really work out with Molly and all that.
Hey I know, we could go into business together. It could be a sister thing.
Thanks Mindy!
Melanie - business together sounds terrific!
Love you guys!
Hey, I didn't see your post until today. The beginning of your post has me a little worried about you, because that sounds a lot like post-partum depression to me, too. If even talking on the phone would feel like it would help, call me, and I'll call you and we can talk as much as you want.
The quilts--you should totally do quilts and start an etsy shop! I don't think there are start up fees, I think they just ask for a percentage of what you sell, and you can sell all over the world.
That little boy on that little bike is so cute I can't get over it! thanks for sharing. And again, anytime you need to unload on the internet or on the phone, do it! I was just going to post on my blog when I saw this.
Heh, heh, I was thinking I needed to live closer to mom, too, because of gas. Heh. But I don't have anything to complain about now. ;)
Thanks Megan! I was thinking if I had done some sewing while I sat on my behind a whole lot while I was pregnant I could have had some ready for a Syracuse Heritage Days booth (doncha love hindsight). Maybe next year(June)? You could sell some stuff in my booth too if you wanted. Etsy sounds great, maybe you would help me figure that out after I have something to show?
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