Just wanted to clarify.
I have been looking forward to having this baby. Every now and then some things that are hard about babies come to mind, but I wouldn't change things now for the world.
This morning I want this baby so bad it is kind of crazy. It is good whether it is a boy or a girl. I am so glad I will be home with a baby again, I am in no rush to get a job, I just was thinking that way because Landon is growing up and money is always tight, but Stephen is working on that.
Yesterday was a wonderful, light, sort of day. I really enjoyed the visit at my parents. Even though I haven't been going to church, it has felt better lately and I haven't been fighting it-yesterday I really didn't feel like I needed to go, but it wasn't the same dread or even inability I had had about going before that.
Today I feel like I have a lot of tears, but I'm not necessarily sad. I feel kind of afraid, but of nothing specific. Maybe it is more worried. As a result I kind of hurt physically, but again it's not specific. Spiritual things bring it up a bit more, but primary songs only did a bit yesterday so I could let the children have them on. Christmas music still hurts somehow. I am o.k. with it, I just don't want to hear it - I am not into self-torture, really.
I really enjoyed doing puzzles the past couple of days. I like video games. I haven't been liking dishes and laundry at all, but I didn't mind doing them yesterday. I like to crochet with really soft yarn. I haven't been liking cooking again, but I have been cooking when I can think of something to make that doesn't sound too bad or hard. I like the house clean, but it doesn't tear me up when it's dirty for a while, until it does and then I enlist all the kids to help, sometimes with a temper, sometimes without.
I get hungry, but nothing sounds good- I will eat if something is there that doesn't take too long or too much imagination. I can't eat ramen noodles (not a big loss I am sure) and I have a hard time facing peanut butter and jelly, but once I start eating it I don't mind it.
I love my family.
